


Nerd Ascending Staircase

by darrenzieger



Series: Gallery [2]
Category: Bob's Burgers (Cartoon)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-03
Updated: 2021-01-03
Packaged: 2021-03-13 08:09:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28525254
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darrenzieger/pseuds/darrenzieger
Summary: Louise's relationship with Alex deepens.
Relationships: Louise Belcher/Original Character, Tina Belcher/Jimmy Pesto Jr., Tina Belcher/Jimmy Pesto Jr./Original Character(s)
Series: Gallery [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2067951
Comments: 1
Kudos: 1





	1. Chapter 1

**1.**

“So he's just lying there with this smug grin on his face, like 'baby, I just rocked your world, and you know it,' when the entire act took about 20 seconds. No foreplay, in and out in under a minute. A surgical strike, you might say.”

Louise laughed – a single, hearty “ha!” that almost brought tears to Tina's eyes. After Rudy's death three years previously, her little sister had become, angry, withdrawn, humorless, dangerous when approached, and potentially deadly when confronted. But somehow the Belchers' new neighbors, a weird kid and his psychologist mother, had gotten past her monumental defenses and had begun to reconstruct her, however shakily.

Louise was now something like her old self; while still unrelentingly angry at the cold, murderous universe, she was not nearly as prone to take that anger out on others. She had regained the use of many of her other emotions as well, and some of her more charming facial expressions had returned. She was by no means stable but – miracle of miracles – she had agreed to go into therapy.

And, perhaps more miraculously in Tina's eyes, Louise had a new boyfriend. The weird new kid, Alex, was the diametric opposite of Louise's type – he was a tall, skinny, physically awkward yet somehow supremely confident geek, and Louise was still stuck on regular sized, deferential nerds who worshiped her. And to hear Louise tell it, Alex, through no fault of his own, of course, was just... ugly. He had awful, gawky features. She just wasn't physically attracted to the guy.

And yet her eyes would sparkle when she spoke of his preternatural charm, his ungodly artistic talent, and his fundamental kindness. And the fact that he kind of worshiped her, too. She _was_ , she admitted to Tina, drawn to him.

Maybe she was just being a romantic, but Tina believed it could work.

When Tina arrived home for Christmas vacation in between semesters at Rutgers, Louise took her immediately aside to her little room and told her everything. How Alex had shown her the astonishing, photo-realistic pencil drawing he'd done of her; how it exposed the fathomless grief inside her that she masked with rage; how she'd torn it up, but followed Alex home anyway; how he and his mother – a Harvard-educated doctor of psychology – had smashed through every barrier she had erected around herself in the course of two days.

The bastards had cut through her defenses like a light saber through Ponda Baba's upper arm in a Mos Eisley cantina.

After embracing her little sister and weeping for joy on her shoulder, Tina, without segue, lapsed into Romantic Advisor mode, knowing Louise was old enough for sex to be on the menu of dating activities and, further, seeing through Louise's professed physical revulsion for Alex; she clearly wanted him, however ugly she considered him.

Tina had told Louise about losing her virginity the morning after it happened – Louise had been 13 at the time. Now that she was – whether she admitted it or not – on the cusp of her first real dating relationship, it was time to tell her the details of her disastrous first night with Jimmy Junior Pesto, and about some of her vastly better experiences at college.

“...and I was like okay, it was his first time, he was overeager and on a hair trigger. Fine. But then, like a minute later, he grabs another condom and jumps on me again. This time he lasts almost a minute, and I almost feel something, but Jesus, no pillow talk, no sweet nothings, no attempt to actually please _me_. Maybe he figured he didn't have to do anything but stick it in to blow my mind, but come on, I wasn't reacting. Plus I'm still trying to assimilate that I'd lost my virginity 90 seconds ago – and that it sucked.

“So after he's done again, I say 'Jimmy, the next time, let's take it slower. I mean, maybe kiss or something first? And make out a little?”

“So Jimmy says 'ok, sure,' but starts to jump on top of me again, and I'm like _no fucking way._ I push him back and get on top of _him_...” Louise's eyes lit up. Being on top appealed to her, but had never before occurred to her. She had a lot to learn. _Preach on, sis!_

“'...'cause I'm thinking 'I'm already tired of _you_ fucking _me_. This time, _I'm_ gonna fuck _you!_ Oh, and by the way, being on top is best for your first time. You have more control.”

“First time, on top. Control. Got it” said Louise, a little distracted, imagining herself on top of Alex.

“So this time he lasts a little longer – maybe two whole minutes – and I manage to get some pleasure out of it; but it's no thanks to him. He just lies there and takes it. Barely even moves. Doesn't touch me, or caress me, or even grab my boobs. Then just when I'm starting to build up to something, he finishes suddenly, lies there a few seconds and says 'hey, um, that was cool, but I gotta go to the can.'

“So I jump off, and go turn on the heat – the hotel room wasn't that cold, but the point is I hadn't even worked up a sweat. Three times in ten minutes, and the only reason I was breathing a little heavy was from the effort of riding a cold fish for two minutes.”

Louise, who had been chuckling and shaking her head through the entire tale, said “I _told_ you he sucked; you know I did. For years I was like 'what does she see in this guy? He's a complete dick.'”

“A dick with a great ass, Louise.” How about that, thought Louise. Tina had graduated from 'butts' to 'asses.' This pleased her, somehow, and she grinned at the word. “But yeah,” said Tina, “I'll admit it. You were right. He's a loser. Not because he sucked in bed, but because he didn't care.

“That's the thing, Lou – almost no one's good at sex right out the gate, particularly guys. They're so over-excited and pent up that the first few times they finish before you've even started, which is no fun, though _most_ of them at least have the decency to be apologetic about it. And even for girls, it takes some practice to figure out how to use your body in a new, semi-athletic activity.

“But what's important is: do they really care about you, about making you feel good? Or do they just want to have an orgasm inside your body? If they really care, you'll know.

“So when you decide you're ready, expect Alex to care – he'd better, or I'll throttle him – but don't expect him to be good at it at first. You'll have to have a little pa--”

Louise was aghast. “You think I'm planning to have sex with that gargoyle? I mean, I like him a lot, he's a great guy, but come on.”

Tina laughed. “You protest too much, sis. The moment I suggested you might have sex with him your pupils dilated.”

Why could everyone in Louise's life see right through her? It was unnerving.

She stared at the carpet. “Okay, fine. I suppose if he were being particularly nice to me, really affectionate, but not suffocating me, and had just created one of his great works of art in my honor, and set off one of his nuclear charm bombs, and I was already particularly horny, I can imagine ripping his clothes off and having my way with him. Or allowing him to vice versa.”

“From what you've told me, that could happen any day now,” said Tina.

Louise looked up, alarmed. “Oh my God, you're right.” Tina looked on, amused, as Louise's expression shifted back and forth between a horrified frown and a lascivious grin. _Round and round she goes. Where she stops... I already know._

But she was wrong. Tina had expected Louise's face to settle on Lascivious Grin, but it did not. Nor did it land on Horrified Frown. Instead, her eyes blazed as she leaned in toward her big sister. “Tell me. Tell me everything. Tell me how... I mean... just for future reference, in case I meet a good looking guy – what's good sex like, and I how do I make it happen?”

Tina smiled. “Got a notepad?”

“Seriously?”

“Seriously.”

“Kids! Time for dinner,” called their mother.

Louise glanced at the clock. 3 PM. It was definitely not dinner time. Dad's turkey needed to cook until 5:45 precisely. The table would not be fully set and the meal ready to be consumed until 6 PM. Precisely. Christmas and Thanksgiving dinners were very serious business to Bob Belcher.

“No, it's not,” Tina called back. But she needn't have yelled, because Linda was already at Louise's door. She poked her head in.

“Louise, you may _not_ hog your sister today. We haven't seen her in months, and we all miss her; and we have guests who've never met her at all. You can have your girl talk later.”

Guests?

“What guests, Mom?” asked Louise, worried. “You never mentioned guests.”

“You'll just have to come out and see, won't you, Miss Missy.”

“It's okay, Louise,” said Tina, with a devilish grin. “I can tell you about all the great sex I've been having later.”

Louise watched, amused, as her mother's face turned white. Linda Belcher was no prude, but she strongly preferred not to be privy to the details of her children's sex lives, even if those details were limited to “it's great” and “there's been a lot of it.” Particularly the latter. A mother worries.

Linda ducked out quickly, and Tina and Louise shared a hearty laugh, which Tina followed up with “no, but seriously, I've been having a rockin' sex life. And getting straight A's, I might add.”

“Are the two related? Because I'm flunking Algebra II...”

“Sorry. Keeping up with my desires _and_ my studies has been a struggle. Something had to go, so I haven't watched TV in three months.”

“Whoa,” said Louise. Tina was addicted to at least three TV series that everyone in the house watched. It was going to spoilers and more spoilers, all night.

“Tina! Louise! Now!” called their father. Bob rarely got agitated over anything but food. But he missed Tina. And since she'd reemerged a week previously, he couldn't get enough of his baby daughter, the all but literal loss of whom he'd been grieving for three years.

Tina didn't recognize the two new people standing in the living room, but it wasn't hard to figure out who they were at a glance – a tall, gawky teenager and a short, tidy, professional-looking woman in her 40s. Alex, and his mother, Dr. Alicia Goldenberg. She watched, amused as Louise's annoyance at having foisted upon her the two people who had torn down her walls, and her delight in seeing Alex, the boy she thought was ugly and whom she certainly did not desire in any way.

Desire (her denials notwithstanding) won out. “Alex!” she said, striding up to him to be embraced in a great bear hug. When they disengaged, Louise realized where she was – at home, surrounded by nosy loved ones – and became awkward and unsure of herself. Tina had never seen someone so conflicted – and she'd watched a rich kid in an economics class realize that he agreed with socialism and rejected capitalism. He was probably having a really tense Christmas back at the family mansion right now.

As she hugged Alex, Louise had kept making slight movements suggesting that she was going to reach up and kiss the boy, then frowning and cutting herself off. On a less romantic note, she was clearly delighted to see Alex and his mother, but didn't want to make a show of it in front of her family. She'd let down enough defenses for a lifetime, thank you very much, and really didn't need her prying, well-intentioned, insane, loving family in the mix.

When she'd returned home from the Goldenbergs' a week earlier, shields down, she'd found her father alone in the living room, in the dark, watching some random movie on TV. When she smiled at him, his face lit up, and when she sat on his lap, holding him, her head on his shoulder, both wept silently for the length of an absurdly long commercial break. When Bob got enough control of himself to find his voice, he whispered “I love you, kid.” “I love you, too,” she whispered back.

Louise stayed in his lap, embracing him, through the last hour of the film. Neither noticed a single frame of the godawful spaghetti western. They were lost in remembrance, in joy and regret, in a peace no amount of gunshot effects and Wilhelm screams could disturb.

She never wanted to be that vulnerable again. If her father – or anyone – had asked her a deep, probing question just then, she would have answered without any sort of filter. And she needed her filters, especially around her family. Even around Tina. She was not ready to admit, even to her, that she desired the ugly kid her family had just met, even if it was Tina who had allowed her to accept it.

She thought about it, and realized it had nothing to do with Alex's looks. If she were dating the most gorgeous guy on the planet – say, like Boo-Boo – she still wouldn't be wiling to admit it to her family, even though they'd known very well that she'd been obsessed with the teen idol since she was 9.

She wouldn't even have been able to speak the words to Tina, who had guided Louise through her confusing First Crush Moment, and in fact through adolescence itself until the time came when she would allow no one to guide her through anything.

The adults seated themselves at the dining room table, so the Belcher kids and Alex settled in the living room. Tina sat on the carpet by the coffee table and gently encouraged Gene to do the same so that Alex and Louise could have the couch to themselves. Louise noticed this unsubtle behavior and shot Tina a nasty look. Alex noticed as well, and thanked Tina with a wink.

Alex sat on the far left side of the couch, allowing Louise the option of sitting on the far right side. She began to do just that, then for perhaps the first time in her life, laughed at herself. _Why don't you just sit on the armrest? Or on the side table? That will prove to everyone that the guy you said was your boyfriend isn't your boyfriend._

She sat next to Alex and, to his obvious delight, leaned against him. Tina winked at _him_ now, and he nodded in reply. Louise sincerely couldn't figure out which of them to slap, which was, she assured herself, the only reason she didn't slap either of them.

Alex felt warm to her – not sweaty, not uncomfortably hot; he simply seemed to have a high resting body temperature. At the same time she noted that despite his placid expression, his heart was beating a mile a minute, and pounding hard enough that she could hear it with her ear against his upper arm. She resisted the urge to look down to see if the blood was flowing where she thought it was, but noticed that he had surreptitiously placed a throw pillow on his lap. Smooth move, Stringbean.

She remembered making out with Rudy, and how his visible excitement thrilled her, even though they were years away from even considering doing anything about it; even though the prospect of the act was still frightening to her. She fought off a wave of depression at the thought of her old friend, but Tina must have seen her expression become cloudy, because her big sister was gazing at her sympathetically. _She knows. And I'm still_ smiling _for Christ's sake. Am I really... well, I already know the answer to that, don't I? Yes, I am that transparent. Goddammit._

She smiled back at her big sister. It annoyed Louise to even admit that Tina had caught her having a moment of inner turmoil, but she remembered that she had just adopted Tina as her spirit animal, her romantic – _no, her sexual –_ role model, and relented. Her boundaries with the rest of her family she could attenuate; for Tina, she had to lower the drawbridge completely.

“So, Alex,” said Gene, far too loud – he had been observing his companions' non-verbal conversation with growing impatience – “Who do you figure'll win this year's Superbowl – the Cincinnati Sparkplugs or the Miami Chitinous Squid-faces?”

Alex was not going to let the slightly older boy get the upper hand in sarcasm, wit, or the art of the non-sequitur. That was his turf. “I'm thinking the Sparkplugs. They've got their patented Left-hand Jellybean Exploder defense pattern, and McMullin has been batting the puck over the goal post at least twice a game all year. Plus the Squid-faces have squids on their faces. Amazing they made it this far, really.”

Gene was impassive. _You win this round, Goldenberg._

Louise wanted to laugh, but had the terrifying feeling it would come out as a giggle, so she maintained a poker face. Tina was impressed but, as a writer, did not want to swoon over some guy she just met for playing word games, however well.

Alex was a little surprised, and just a bit put out, that his brilliant extemporization had received literally no reaction – _I'm giving you guys comedy gold here_ – but quickly read the room and realized that his audience thought he was funny, but each had their own reason for not expressing it: Gene didn't want to admit to being one-upped, Tina (he assumed) wanted to spare Gene's feelings, and Louise... actually, he wasn't sure why Louise wasn't laughing; but he reminded himself that it was remarkable that the tiny, bunny-ear-hatted girl could laugh at all. A week ago, she wouldn't, as a matter of principle, crack a smile, and would have probably decked anyone who made her break her discipline and laugh out loud.

So things were tense all around, his pants were getting way too tight, and all three Belcher kids were waiting for him to make the next move. As he frequently found was the case, the only way out was through. “So, um, while I'm standing up to, uh, adjust myself here...” Tina got a glimpse of the bulge he was working to accommodate, and, impressed, raised her eyebrows twice at Louise, who, not having observed the phenomenon, had no idea what her sister was trying to communicate. “...Gene, Louise tells me you're a musician. What do you play?”

“Oh, you know,” Gene said casually, “piano, ukulele, guitar, maracas, slide whistle, tambaroon, Belgian horn, the 11-stringed oud, Pastaphone, the tropic of molasses, triptych, vibraphonic truss, gluten-free timpani, and the rare but beautiful soccer-mom tricorder.” _Mic drop. You gonna pick it up, nerd boy?_

“So,” said Alex, unfazed, “you're either into Frank Zappa or PDQ Bach. Or the Firesign Theatre. Either way, it's good to be eclectic.”

_Damn. The bastard didn't even skip a beat. Call it a draw._

Tina felt it was time to turn the conversation into something resembling actual human communication. “Alex, you are in the presence of another great artist. Gene has written a one-man musical adaptation of Die Hard, a bunch of cool pop songs, and a really amazing song about Thomas Edison and Topsy.”

Alex was intrigued. “You mean that elephant he murdered to show of his direct current? Protest song?”

“Love song,” said Gene. “It's called 'Electric Love'”

“Wait – a love song _between_ Edison and Topsy? You're psychotic.” Alex laughed genially.

“Nah,” said Gene. “I just plink...” he make a piano-playing gesture with his hands “...outside the box.”

“It's actually a long story,” said Louise. “Ask me to tell it to you some time.”

“As for stuff I've written _after_ I was a child,” said Gene, “I'm currently working on a rock opera about Antigone and Cleopatra.”

Alex furrowed his brow. “You mean Antony and Cleopatra, right.”

“Nope,” said Gene with a smirk.

“But... Antigone was Oedipus' daughter,” said Alex.

“And Cleopatra was the queen of Egypt,” agreed Gene, “and Fiorello LaGuardia was the mayor of New York, and Michael Jackson was the king of pop, and if I want to write a rock opera about all of them meeting in Hades,” Gene pounded his fist on the coffee table “I'm going to write it!”

“Everything okay over there?” said Bob, startled.

“Hunky Dory,” said Louise, chuckling at her brother's fake tantrum.

“Fair enough,” said Alex. He switched his attention to Tina. “So, you go to Rutgers. Right? What're you studying?”

Tina grinned wickedly. “Double major – English lit and, um, sexology?”

“Oh my God, Tina,” said Linda. “Don't you have something to talk about other than your sex life? You're giving me palpitations.”

“Yeah,” said Bob. “I mean, you're an adult, and I'm glad you're having fun, but can't you save it for a less... public setting?”

Alicia chided her hosts. “Oh, loosen up, you two. Sex is a normal human activity, and fun as hell to talk about. I've always been open about it, and raised Alex to be, too. He knew everything there was to know about the subject before he was ten. When he had his first orgasm...”

Alex grabbed the top of his head with both hands and ducked the blow that had already landed. “Oh, my _god_ , Mom, _seriously?_ ” Bob and Linda blanched.

“You loosen up, too, kid. When it happened he ran in to tell me, and we celebrated. It's a big moment.”

Louise was a bit shocked, but mostly amused to see Mr. Smooth With The Ladies turning red.

Alex, despite his profound nerdiness, was supremely confident and had been dating since he was 11, dazzling girls he liked with stunning portraits like the one he'd done of Louise. He was, by his own description, the Mack Daddy of the geek community. Louise had been his biggest challenge, but she had to admit she got hooked on him very quickly. It confused her to be attracted to a guy she thought was ugly, but his charm won out.

After a shameful moment of schadenfreude, she felt truly sorry for him. She thought Alicia was actually being a little mean, which was utterly unlike her. Louise hugged Alex to her and whispered “it's okay. Don't be embarrassed. Orgasms are universal. I need two or three to get to sleep at night.”

Now Louise turned beet red. What had possessed her to admit something so intimate to him? Was it Alicia's influence? She'd been surreptitiously therapising Louise for about a week, and seemed to have no taboo subjects. It was liberating, but a one to one conversation was one thing; discussing your kid's orgasms at a Christmas get together was another. It seemed a little over the top.

“Good lord, Lou – putting that image in my head... are you trying to make me die of horniness? Where's that throw pillow?”

“Aaaaanyway,” said Tina, attempting to change the subject – or at least shift the focus away from poor Alex – “I met this amazing guy named Michael in my Shakespeare's Tragedies class. He's this weird combination of total nerdy sci-fi fanboy and gorgeous athlete with a perfect bod. He's a long-distance runner with an off the charts IQ. I didn't know that was even a thing.”

Louise was teeth-grindingly jealous of her sister. She liked Alex a lot, even desired him despite his looks; but Tina had hit the jackpot.

“We bonded over Dr. Who and Star Trek. It was amazing. We slept together on our first date.”

“Tina!” cried her mother. “You're killing me. And you shouldn't have sex on your first date. It's just... inappropriate.”

“It was completely appropriate, Mom. We'd already fused together into a single organism.” She spoke more quietly now, to spare her parents nerves. “We didn't just have sex. We made love. It was the opposite of my experience with Jimmy Junior. Michael took such good care of me. I consider that night my _real_ first time. And my second, and my third through fifth...”

Bob moaned just a bit and said, as calmly as he could manage, “Tina, we can still hear you. Could you please talk about the Equestronauts, or something else G-rated? I have a heart condition.”

“Equestronauts isn't G-rated in my fan fiction.”

“Well, _I_ think it's all wonderful,” said Alicia.

Bob wasn't convinced. “Tina, go to your room...”

Tina laughed. “I'm an adult, you can't send me to my room.”

“...and take your horndog companions with you,” added Linda. “I want to be able to eat when the turkey is ready, and you're giving us nervous indigestion.”

“Not me,” said Alicia, as Bob pretty much figured she would.

“You can join them if you want,” said Bob.

“Nah,” she said. “I'll stay at the grownups' table, if you don't mind. Maybe teach you a thing or two.”

The youngsters retired to Tina's bedroom, which had changed little since her early adolescence. The walls were still adorned with posters of horses and her shelves with horse figurines where they weren't crowded with her juvenile oeuvre – notebooks full of erotic fan fiction based on dozens of TV shows and movies, and erotic _friend_ fiction from when she ran out of mass media subjects to write about.

“Into horses, huh?” said Alex, smirking. “Very Freudian.” He needed to transfer some of his embarrassment onto someone else. He was still slightly red from being bombarded with tales of his own sexuality, as well as his girlfriend's and her sister's. He half expected Gene to cap it off by singing a song he wrote about masturbation or something. Instead, the guy patted him on the shoulder and said “it's okay, man. How do you think _I_ feel, listening to my sister talk about her sex life? It sounds really hot, but then I realize I'm imagining my own sister having sex. I'm gonna be in therapy for years.”

Alex laughed, relieved – at least somewhat. “yeah, except I'm imagining it, too, and it's really hot, but she's my girlfriend's sister...”

Louise chose to ignore this entirely predictable revelation. Tina, coming around to the idea that it really was all a bit much, changed the subject to science fiction and horror movies.

“Kids know so much more these days,” Linda lamented. “I was Louise's age before I even knew what went where. Now they can watch hard-core porn on the internet – for free, yet. One time, Gene forgot to clear his browser history... holy cow.”

Bob laughed. “Actually, it was very educational. I learned a few new moves. So did Lin. There was this one thing she...”

“Bobby! Shut your mouth already!”

“Okay, okay. But Alicia's right. We didn't even have to give Tina or Gene the Talk. Gene learned everything we knew and more on his laptop...”

“Not just from porn,” Linda insisted. “He also spent a lot of time on Wikipedia.”

“Yeah,” said Bob. “He's pretty sharp, that kid. When he wants to be. And Tina,” Bob chuckled, “she was doing full time academic research on the subject by the time she was 12.” He shook his head. “You know Lin, maybe we are too uptight about this stuff. I mean, we've always been accepting and supporting – I'm proud of that. But should we really be melting down any time Tina talks about her sex life? We're all grownups here; even Gene, technically. And Louise...”

Alicia finished his sentence, though not as he would have. “...will be sleeping with Alex by the end of the Christmas break. Isn't it sweet?”

Bob and Linda glanced at each other, attempted to remain calm, and failed. Bob slumped in his chair, pinched the bridge of his nose and said.”oh, my god.” Linda whimpered “my baby.”

“Oh, come on. They're both great kids, they adore each other – even if Louise won't admit it – and they're a reasonable age. Alex is 17, and Louise is 16, right? What's the problem?”

“The problem is she's my baby and she's too young,” said Linda.

Bob, despite dreading the loss of his little girl to the woman she was becoming, particularly after she'd been closed off to him for so long, sat up straight and defended her instinctively. “I don't know. She's a smart kid, Lin. I think we can leave it up to her to decide if she's ready.”

“Exactly,” said Alicia.

Linda was unmoved. “She's still a baby. Bob.”

Bob began to object, but Alicia cut him off, to object more strenuously. “Get a grip, Linda. She's not a baby. She's almost an adult.”

“ _Almost_ ,” said Linda.

“And after all she's been through – losing Rudy, three years of misery and loneliness – she deserves a little joy in her life, don't you think. Let her follow her bliss, Linda.”

Tina, who had stepped out of her room, paused at the bathroom door and said “amen! Joseph Campbell for the win!” and stepped inside.

“Who's Joseph Campbell,” asked Linda.

“I think he's the guy from that 'Army of Darkness' movie,” said Bob.

Linda, grateful to have a different subject to latch on to, said “Yeah, and he's one of the stars of Burn Notice. I loved that show.”

Alicia considered giving them a quick lesson on Joseph Campbell and his work, but could tell they needed a break, so she jumped into the fray as enthusiastically as possible. “That's _Bruce_ Campbell, and yeah, he's awesome. Did you know they made a Broadway musical based on 'Army of Darkness?' It's really good, too. Really funny...”


	2. Chapter 2

**2.**

“I love you so much. I can't stand being away from you for a whole week.” Tina, lying on the floor next to Louise's bed, held her iPhone to her cheek gently, as if caressing the caller on the other end of the line. “Yeah,” she said, seductively, “I'll be thinking of you tonight, too. Call me at 2 AM – I wanna know what you did to me. I'll tell you what I did to you. If it's the same thing, that'll be the first thing we do when I get back. No, I'm not giving you a hint.”

_Oh, barf,_ thought Louise. Also, _that is so fucking hot. I wonder if Alex thinks about me and... oh, come on, of course he does._ That was hot, too. But... _I've never returned the favor, have I? Does he think I... I mean, he knows I'm only just barely attracted to him; that he's getting by on pure charm, doesn't he? But shouldn't I give it a try and see if it's at all bearable, even palatable._

While Tina babbled away at her boyfriend in Philadelphia, Louise gnawed at a quandary.

First of all, she wished the subject of sex wasn't in the air. Damn Tina, and damn Dr. Goldenberg for abetting her. Second, she really liked Alex – oddly enough, more or less in proportion to how annoying he was. The more arch and pretentious and geeky he was, the better. What was that? And she'd realized just that afternoon that she was careening toward sleeping ( _no, grow up, Belcher – toward_ having sex _)_ with him. This despite not finding him attractive. How could she desire someone she wasn't attracted to? Was she really that capable of ignoring the superficial? Was she a deep person without knowing it? Was it really true that it was what was inside that counted? And even so, weren't there limits?

She supposed she was being a little unfair to Alex when it came to his looks. Sure he was gawky, but a lot of teenagers are, and they outgrow it. There was that big, ethnic schnoz of his, but was that so awful?

Oh, god, was she a racist? An antisemite? No. Ridiculous. It's just that it outweighed his other features so much. His hatchet face didn't really have room to crowd the rest of them in, and frankly, none of them seemed to go with each other. He did have truly beautiful eyes, but they were undermined by the overall shape of his face and the slightly frowning shape of his mouth.

She felt awful, deconstructing the superficial qualities of the remarkable person who had found her and – as it pissed her off to finally admit – rescued her from herself. _What if someone did that to you, Louise? Deconstructed you? Someone who didn't find you attractive. How would you feel?_

Maybe it was conceited of her, but she knew for a fact she was cute as hell. Maybe not _sexy_ to every boy (or among about ten percent of girls), but she really had 'cute' in the bag – particularly since the clouds above her had parted.

Most people would consider her way out of Alex's league.

Was that it? Did _she_ think she was out of his league? Was that what was holding her back? Was she really that shallow? No, wait, hadn't she just decided she was actually deep a moment ago?

What the hell was she going to do? One part of her tingled at the thought of making out with Alex, and got positively dizzy thinking of going further, and another part of her was astonished at the first part.

“No, you hang up first...” Cooed Tina. A moment later, “No, you... No, you... Okay, on three. One, two, three! You didn't hang up. Jinx. Okay, I'm really going to do it this time. I love you. Bye. Click! Oh wait, I _said_ 'click' instead of doing it,” Tina laughed. “Okay. This time. I'm going to be abrupt. I love you. Bye!” She touched the red telephone icon on her screen, and sighed.

“Oh the things I'm going to do to him when I get back. And the shows we're going to watch – we decided to cut just enough into our study time to catch up with Star Trek: Discovery and The Expanse. I don't mind getting a few B's in the name of mass media consumption... which is kinda pathetic if you think about it, actually. But really, the point is just to be with him. Is it like that with you and Alex? What do you guys do?”

Louise, conflicted, had stayed aloof from Alex for the most part. “He paints me. We talk about our respective psychopathologies. I talk about Rudy, he talks about his sister. You know, cheerful stuff like that.”

“Wow. Do you ever do anything entertaining? You know, fun?”

“We hang out with his mom. She's hilarious. And we watch anime – he's never watched it before, so I'm bringing him up to speed. So far, we haven't found any that he likes. Next time I go over there, I'm bringing out the big guns – my Miyazaki DVDs. If he doesn't like those, we're through,” Louise joked.

“So,” said Tina, “you think you're gonna sleep with him any time soon?”

“Ahhhhhhhgh! Can we please talk about something else? Anyway, is there really such a rush?”

“I think there is. Alex is bursting at the seams, literally, and in all seriousness, he clearly loves you and wants to express it in the most intimate way possible.”

“If he wants to do _that_ ,” said Louise, completely serious, “he could be more open to anime.”

Tina let that pass. “And you, you're craving it, too – really bad. You think you're still figuring it out, but you made your decision this afternoon, over dinner. I watched it happen.”

Louise rolled her eyes. “Oh, come on.”

“Trust me,” said Tina. “I saw it in your eyes. It was the same look that stared back at me from the mirror when I decided it was time to do it with Jimmy Junior.”

“Yeah,” sneered Louise. “And how did _that_ work out?”

Tina took up the mien of the Wise Older Sister. “Louise, Alex is not Jimmy Junior. He's got 50 IQ points on him, for one thing, and he obviously cares about you. A lot. And for whatever it's worth, he's got actual talent – Jimmy couldn't dance his way out of paper bag, really. He _was_ nimble – not that you'd know it from that night...

“But most of all, Jimmy's a dick. He never thinks of anyone but himself. Alex is a mensch.”

“A whatsch?”

“A mensch. It's Yiddish. It means admirable, trustworthy, a person of character. Someone who'll, for instance, make love to your soul, not just fuck your body. Like I said, he might not be good at it the first time – I'm assuming he's actually virgin; he may not be – but he'll try like hell to make you feel good. And considering how open his mother is about sex, he'll probably know how to do it.”

“Okay, you know what? Stop it. I'm working it out, okay. But it's driving me haywire. Plus...” _oh, god,_ that's _what it's about!_

Louise burst into tears. “It should have been Rudy! _He_ should have been my first. Maybe my only, but definitely my first. This is all wrong. Alex is great, but he shouldn't be the one. Dammit! Dammit dammit dammit!”

She'd been keeping Alex at arm's length because she was saving herself for a dead man.

A dead boy.

Rudy would always be 13. He wouldn't get to grow up; to be the man it truly was that she was saving herself for. She could wait and wait and wait, but he'd always be a child. But she couldn't let go. Her habit – her sworn mission – of three years was now a reflex.

Poor Alex. She hadn't even kissed him, though they were both aching for it. Sure, they hadn't known each other long, but they had fused to each other as tightly as had Tina and Michael, bonding over matters far deeper and more serious than science fiction. Still, she struggled every moment she was with him to resist, to break free of that bond. Self-destruction 101.

You only get one soulmate in life, right. That's just a truth of the universe. If Rudy was it, Alex couldn't be. No one could. She'd never have the kind of relationship with Alex, or anyone else, that she'd had with Rudy. So what was the point?

As if reading her mind, Tina said “you can have more than one soulmate, Louise.”

Louise wished she'd been drinking something so she could do a spit take. “How the _hell_ did you know I was thinking that?”

“What else _could_ you be thinking? It's the only thought you had for three years.

“Look, I'm not saying Alex is your soulmate; I don't know. But he strikes me as a pretty good candidate, and you don't have to hold out for a soul that's already gone off and joined with the mind of the universe. Someone a million light years away.” Louise had had no idea that Tina believed in that new-age, mystical crap. Or maybe she was speaking figuratively. “There's eight billion human beings, Louise. You think you can't have a deep bond with anyone in the world but Rudy? Hell, I know people in group marriages, three or four people joined at the soul. It's common among science fiction fans, for some reason.”

This was too much at once. “Can we please drop this?” begged Louise.

“No.”

“Why not!?”

“Because you're going to sleep with Alex sometime soon,” said Tina, “and it would be really unfair to him if you're doing under silent protest against yourself. If you do that, you'll just wind up pushing him away even more, and you're both going to get hurt – badly.

“You don't have to do anything you don't want to. But the truth is, you _do_ want to, and you hate yourself for it. You're totally into him, but you wish you weren't. Alex is smart, Louise, and understands you very well. He knows what's going on. He can read you like a book. And he's determined not to hurt you or pressure you, but it's killing him that he's losing out to a ghost. He sympathizes. He understands. But it's killing him. It has to be.”

Tina gave Louise a chance to reply, but the younger girl had nothing to say. She was on the edge of a dissociative episode. Tina recognized the signs.

“Look, I think you've made your decision, but maybe you should wait. Maybe date him for six more months, a year, however long you need to clear out your cache. But in the meantime, if you have genuine affection for Alex, be willing to express it – for his good and your own.

“Maybe you need to practice your dating skills – and your loving skills – for a while. The muscles have atrophied after three years of inactivity. Alex will wait – I think he'd rather cut off his drawing arm than pressure you if you're not ready. Just know that if you stay cold to him, if you keep putting him off emotionally, he'll move on eventually. And how you feel about that should tell you something.

“You don't owe _anyone_ sex or making out or even affection. _Ever_ , under _any_ circumstances. But if you do have tender feelings for someone, it's much healthier to be open to them than not. That goes for dating _and_ human relationships in general.

“And girls, by the way, are just as capable as boys of fucking someone rather than making love to them. There's nothing intrinsically wrong with that; but I'm telling you if you have sex with Alex in the next week or two, like you're planning to – don't deny it – and you're detached, the way you will be if you're still denying your feelings – your real feelings, whatever they are, deep down – still holding back from bonding with him emotionally, all you'll be doing is fucking, using him. And he'll know, and it will be bad. Even if the sex is good, it'll be bad for both of you emotionally. And you'll both be crushed, and you'll ruin what seems to me, anyway, like a good thing.

“Again, you don't _owe_ him sex or anything else, but you do owe it to him to treat him right. And if that means walking away, fine. If it means waiting a year or two or five, fine. If it means hunkering down tonight and having an emotional cram session, fine. And if it means going through the agony of finally, truly letting go of Rudy once and for all – well, you really should do that anyway.”

“I can't!”

“Yes, you can,” said Tina, as calmly as she could manage despite her agitation at her sister's obstinacy. “And don't do it to clear the way for Alex. Do it so you can fucking _live_. You're so close, Louise.”

Louise wiped the tears from her face, then did something Tina had never seen her do before. She lifted her head, straightened her back, and sat zazen on her bed. She closed her eyes and breathed deeply and slowly. Tina didn't know where she'd picked up the meditation technique, but she was impressed.

Louise spoke quietly and evenly. “What do I feel. I like Alex. I think I may even love him. And I do want him. And I want to make love, not just fuck. I want to accept my feelings, Tina. I want to treat him with affection, and not just go through the motions. I'm actually really clear on this. I want to kiss his beautiful ugly face. I want to let nature take its course. There's no question in my mind.

“But I don't know if I can do it. I don't know if I can release Rudy to the universe, Tina. And if I can't, I don't think I can have this relationship, and that makes me want to scream.”

Tina smiled, albeit sadly. She was so proud of her little sister. And she knew exactly what to tell her, what would free her – not from her inner conflict, but from her quandary.

“Tell him that, Louise. Tell him all of it.”

Louise's eyelids parted from each other at light speed, giving her eyes space to bulge. “Even the sex part?”

“Yes. One thing you do owe him – just as a fellow human being – is the truth. He probably already knows all of those things, by the way, but it's important for him to hear it from you. Once you've done that, if you need him to wait, even hang back, he'll be able to do it without being in pain about it. He'll wait for you, Louise, if he knows you're working through everything. And if you find your way through and decide he _isn't_ the one, he'll be sad, but he'll support you. He's a mensch. And he loves you. You can trust that.”

“I don't want to make him wait,” said Louise. “ _I_ don't want to wait.”

“But you need to if you're not at peace. If you're still clinging to Rudy for dear life.”

Louise closed her eyes again and was silent for several minutes. Tina let her think her thoughts.

“Tina?” Louise asked when she was ready to speak again, “could you get me some juice and some leftovers. I'm going to be up for a while.”

“Sure thing.”

“And... will you stay with me? Maybe play on your phone or something? I may have questions occasionally.”

“I'd be glad to,” said Tina. “Honored, actually.”

“And you may have to participate in an exorcism.”

“No problem,” said Tina, grinning. “I'll go get an old priest and a young priest.”

“What?” said Louise.

“Never mind. Okay, juice and leftovers...”


	3. Chapter 3

**3.**

“Mom, am I wasting my time?” Alex toyed with his lunch – Christmas leftovers the Belchers insisted he and his mother take home with them the previous day. Turkey, stuffing, the whole deal. They had also been gifted with half an apple pie, which they surreptitiously handed off to Gene on the way out. The poor kid had nearly wept a the sight of the dessert heading out the door.

“Well,” said Alicia, “you've made a very fine miniature replica of Devil's Tower out of your mashed potatoes, so I guess that's time well spent.”

“You know what I mean. Louise – every time I think she's warming up to me, she catches herself doing it and closes herself off again. It's making me crazy. I know why she's so conflicted, but I don't know how much more I can take. I'm getting whiplash of the heart.”

“You're young and strong,” his mother reassured him. “Your heart can take it.”

“I don't know,” said Alex. “I've dated a lot of insane girls, but...”

“You've dated insane girls exclusively,” said Alicia.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've dated insane girls exclusively. But at least I was sure I was dating them. And I had some idea how they felt about me. Louise is... I may have bitten off more than I can chew.”

“Listen,” said Alicia, “you know as well as anyone what she's working through. It may take time. Or it may not. I was detecting promising signals from her yesterday.”  
  
“So was I, “said Alex, “except when I wasn't. It's driving me nuts – and I mean clinically. I'm falling apart. I don't want to force the issue, but I keep thinking if I just threw caution to the wind and kissed the living bejeezus out of her, she'd, like, snap into place or something. It's worked in the past. But this is different. I've never known anyone so broken, and I've never been in competition with a ghost before.”

Alicia gazed at her son. She was so proud of him. Of his talent, yes, but more importantly his kindness and compassion. And his extraordinary mind – he was smarter than her, and that was saying something. At 7, he'd handled the death of his sister better than she, had been more of a support to the girl. She forgave herself for that – the loss of a child is a pain inconceivable to anyone lucky enough to not experience it. Still, she'd failed, and left Alex to guide his sister through the last days of her life.

It had hurt him, wounded him badly – and more deeply, more existentially than it would have a less brilliant, less sensitive child. Years later, Alex had spent hours talking to Alicia, crying in her arms about the Void he'd seen roiling in his sister's eyes during her last few, nearly silent days. The Void he'd captured in the portrait he'd drawn of her lying on her deathbed.

The Void he'd recognized in Louise's eyes.

Alicia shied away from this line of thinking, away from thoughts of her daughter. Focused on the present, she now felt a twinge of guilt for sharing Alex's first-orgasm story with the Belchers. That had been a serious miscalculation. It would have been one thing among her peers, or at one of her Manhattan dinner parties full of like-minded intellectuals and sophisticates. But the Belchers, though reasonably bright, were not intellectuals, nor particularly sophisticated. And more to the point, Louise had been there. Of course Alex had been nearly fatally embarrassed.

She and her son were in a new, unfamiliar milieu. When they'd lived on the upper West side, when Alex had been dating highly educated, wise-beyond-their-years girls, primarily the children of her colleagues, he would not have blinked an eye at hearing his mother relate his first-orgasm story. When he was 14, she'd overheard him discussing masturbation with his little girlfriend – not in hushed tones, but conversationally. He'd even given her a few pointers. She'd raised him without shame over his sexuality, and she was very proud of that.

But the Belcher's Christmas party was not the place to invoke that quality. It was clear that Bob and Linda had provided their children with the same unconditional acceptance of their sexuality – the middle one, Gene, was openly bi- and exploring his gender identity and completely at ease doing so. And Tina was as sex-positive as any young woman she knew in her old social circle.

But Bob and Linda, comfortable as they were with their children's _sexuality_ , were exquisitely uncomfortable with the thought of the kids' actual sex _lives_. Bob, at least, had some self-awareness about this, but Linda was, to put it technically, a basket case.

And while she was sure Louise would catch up quickly with herself, the girl was still recovering from closing herself off for three years, clinging to the memory of her dead first boyfriend. A part of her was still 13 – and not a sophisticated or intellectual 13. The girl was smart as a whip, but it would be some time before she was comfortable discussing orgasms in public.

This worried Alicia. Louise was going to sleep with Alex. She'd watched the girl silently make the decision over dinner the previous day. And even putting aside her inner conflicts, if Louise was still 13 inside, it was too soon. It was possible that she would catch up by the time she and Alex had sex – she was sharp, and she _had_ had some life experiences over the past three year, whether she wanted them or not. If Alicia had to guess the girl's current emotional age, she'd have put it at about 14 ½.

Still too young for a girl that troubled. She had to intervene – not to prevent Alex and his girlfriend from making love – that thought pleased her – but to make sure Louise was as ready as her subconscious mind thought she was.

Dr. Goldenberg was not one to hold anything back from her son. “Listen. Alex – I'm pretty sure, and I'm speaking in my professional capacity here, that Louise is planning on sleeping with you very soon, whether she knows it consciously or not.”

Alex's fork plowed through his mashed potato sculpture and clinked on the plate. He was elated, from his head down to... elsewhere. But he knew better than to celebrate yet. He could tell from his mother's inflection that her great news was not a complete statement.

“But...?” he said.

“ _But_ , she may not actually be ready yet.”

“I didn't think she was, honestly,” said Alex. “For one thing, we haven't even kissed yet. You're talking about a pretty steep sexual activity curve.”

“Well, that's the thing. She's not really conflicted about you. But she's stuck on Rudy, and until she gets past that, she'll also be stuck mentally at 13 years old or so. Not in every way, but when it comes to relationships... it's going to take a serious breakthrough. Sorry about the good news/bad news routine, but I hope it helps to know that as confusing as her behavior is, she really does like you a lot, and desires you enough that she's on the cusp of sleeping with you soon – maybe too soon.

“Too soon for her, anyway. It's about time _I_ lost my virginity.” Alex loved that he could talk to his mother about these things. It was normal to him, but he knew it was actually very unusual. “You know, if we hadn't moved all of the sudden, I pretty sure Angela would have taken care of that.”

“I'm sorry. It was just getting so expensive to live in New York. I looked up a few months ago and realized I'd gone through almost half of a 1.3 million dollar inheritance in ten years. And I'm well-paid. Did you know I was paying almost ten grand a month for our apartment? And that's before the condo fees, the parking fees, the high price of food and other necessities. Plus lots of luxuries like our Met membership. Altogether, it was costing us a about two hundred grand a year to live in a nice apartment by the Park.”

_Really?_ Alex whistled appreciatively. “Wow. That's insane. But did we have to move all the way out here?”

“8500 dollars a month says yes.”

Alex suddenly realized he was actually quite hungry, and tore into the Belchers' turkey.

“Besides, if we hadn't, you wouldn't have met Louise, would you?”

That was a good point. Angela was a sweetheart – also beautiful, smart, and just messed up enough to be fascinating. But Louise – she was, as he'd told her in so many words, his fucked up dream girl. If he hadn't moved to Seymour's Bay, his life would be easier right now, but that was an alternate universe he didn't want to inhabit.

Louise might drive him mad, but sometimes it's the journey, not the destination.

“Okay, mom,” he said, food in his mouth, “so here's the thing: when she hops into bed with me, how will I know if I'm dealing with grownup Louise or 13-year-old Louise?”

Alicia smiled. “I'm going to see to it that you don't have to. Invite her to spend the day with us tomorrow. We'll take a road trip, maybe go into the city – it's beautiful this time of year. My Harvard PhD says a few hours trapped in a car with me should be enough to at least clarify things, maybe even make some real progress.”

Alex laughed and shook his head. “So you've going to therapise Louise Belcher on the fly without her permission in a moving car. Sounds highly dangerous. Like tap dancing across a minefield.”

“Kid, I'm going to be setting off the mines on purpose. Wear your Kevlar parka.”


	4. Chapter 4

**4.**

Alicia stared out her front door at almost universal whiteness – _it's like Connecticut out there,_ she thought. Overnight, nearly a foot of snow had fallen, and the weather system that had brought it was stalled over northern Jersey. Snowflakes so heavy one could hear each individual impact fell straight down in the still air. She could see the depth of the snow increase visibly as she watched.

The Weather Channel projected that her little corner of the world would be buried under four feet of snow by the time the storm exhausted itself around 5 PM.

It was beautiful, really. What little business normally got done over the holidays was shut down, and the world was nearly silent. No rumble of traffic in the background, not even the shrieks of kids out playing in the snow, yet. The empty asphalt lot her property overlooked, now a huge, undifferentiated field of white, seemed almost poetic.

“Okay, change of plans.”

“What,” said Alex, “no road trip?”

Alicia laughed. “Hey, if you can find a road out there... no. Still no. I think we're going to have to have our moving therapy session on the rolling office chairs.”

“I'll call...” Alex's phone rang – it was Louise's ringtone: a sample from Seal's “Crazy.” Alicia felt it was a bit on the nose, but figured Louise was unlikely to call the number in Alex's presence. “Speak of the devil,” she said.

Alex answered. “Hey there, what do you think – you wanna find some snowshoes and do the road trip on foot, or just hang out over here? … hmm ...” He glanced at his mother. “No, Mom won't therapise you – I mean, no more than she does everyone, all the time … okay, I'll ask her to tone it down … sure, we have more of that hot apple cider. I mean, it's cold now, but we can heat it up … yes, I know, I'm painfully literal for an artist. Deal with it … Okay, we'll see you in ten minutes. Come in by the back, so you'll only have to cross the alley to get here … Yes, you'll have a hot cider in your hands the moment you get in the door … Any other demands before you release the hostages? … Sorry, I don't think that's physically possible … or medically advisable … okay, see you in a bit.”

The snow came up to Louise's thighs, making her brief crossing very difficult. By the time she arrived, she was half frozen. Alex felt guilty – he could have picked her up carried her across the alley very easily. On the other hand, she would probably been resistant to the idea – it would have been too much physical contact, and worse, a refutation of her ability to take care of herself. Still, she shivered as she cradled her mug of cider in her hands.

“What the hell temperature is it out there” she grumbled, “like below freezing or something? I object on principle.”

“Don't worry,” said Alex, taking her coat, “a few more years of global warming, and you'll never see snow again. Come on, it's warmer in the living room.” He guided her there, covering her with a blanket as she sat on the couch.

Louise was impressed with his gallantry, but wasn't going to let him know that. “Very clever – taking such good care of me.” She sipped her cider. “What's your angle?”

“45 degrees,” he said. “Have you considered that I might be making you comfortable because I like you and want you to feel good. Because that's my angle.”

Louise, melting into the couch and sighing with relief, relented. “I know. I like you, too. Just keep it to yourself. Or I'll cut you.” She accompanied her threat with a sweet smile. Good God, what was she turning into?

“Come on,” she said, patting the blanket, “sit with me under here. But don't get any funny ideas – I just need your body heat.”

Alex joined her under the blanket, a precedent he was pleased to set. By sheer force of will, he kept his besotted heart beating at a normal rate, and his manner casual. He even quashed the discomfort in his pants. That was an achievement. What the hell was it about this girl? He'd been more intimate with other girlfriends, and never been so nervous or off-balance.

Of course, he'd never been so in love, or so overwhelmingly attracted to any girl he'd dated. He laughed silently at himself, hearing himself think _it's not just her mind; she has the most amazing body._

For her part, Louise tended to think herself lacking in that department. She envied her fleshy, buxom sister. She was cute as hell, no question. But her physique? A zero. As she sat snuggled against Alex's side, she remembered a line from Sixteen Candles – “It's not ugly, it's just... void.” No hips or chest to speak of; sticks for arms and legs, and tiny to boot. Not quite five feet tall. Her boyfriend towered over her.

Her boyfriend. She examined the word and her reaction to it. She no longer questioned her attraction to the gawky young man. She was fine with it at this point.

And it wasn't like she'd never been hot for a guy other than Rudy. There was Boo-Boo of course, but that was just a celebrity crush. There were a few guys at school that had gone into her wank bank at first sight, and a few that had insinuated themselves into it more slowly. She didn't feel guilty for the hundreds of orgasms she'd dedicated to them over the past few years. That aspect of her relationship with Rudy was not sacrosanct.

But “boyfriend”? She was still working on that one. She knew it was unfair to Alex. As he'd just amply demonstrated, he was prime boyfriend material. Kind, considerate, brilliantly intelligent and talented, and, oh: head over heels for her. And God damn her, she hadn't even acknowledged all of that with so much as a kiss, had she.

She remembered how desperate Rudy had been for their first real kiss. She'd still been pre-adolescent, but she knew she loved him. And he'd needed that kiss so badly. When it happened, she enjoyed it, but for Rudy, it was practically a religious experience, and it filled her to her core with joy to give him that experience.

And when puberty finally caught up with her, single kisses gave way to long makeout sessions. God, that had been wonderful. What was stopping her from at least testing the waters with Alex?

It wasn't Rudy, not precisely. It was more that if she couldn't truly let go of Rudy, she surely would break Alex's heart, and destroy a good thing. Wasn't it safer to simply keep her distance?

Or was it already too late? The poor guy was in love; she was _already_ hurting him by remaining aloof.

She didn't know how long she'd been lost in thought; she'd been disappearing into herself for minutes at a time quite frequently lately. She noticed that Alex now had his arm draped over her shoulder, and she had the sense that he'd been gradually, tentatively moving into that position while she'd been... gone.

“Hey,” she barked. Alex withdrew quickly.

“I'm sorry,” he said. “I just... I couldn't help... it didn't seem to be bothering you...”

Poor Alex. She was driving him crazy, in more than one sense.

“It's okay. C'mere.” She tried to recreate her sister's patented come hither look, the one Tina had attempted to teach her a few days ago. She didn't even come close, but Alex, after chuckling at the comical expression that resulted, got the gist of it.

He leaned in close, took Louise's face gently in his hands, and paused to let her determine the precise moment she was ready to kiss him. It took a few attempts before they figured out exactly how to kiss each other properly – _is it always different depending on who's kissing? w_ ondered Louise – but from the first, awkward kiss, it felt right to her.

This was going to work.

Observing from the dining room, Alicia marveled. She'd watched Louise work through her issues just sitting there in a reverie. She could read the girl's body language, her expression. Somehow, Louise had conquered her ambivalence with absolutely no help from the psychologist in residence, who was faintly disappointed. She'd looked forward to working her magic today.

She made her way quietly upstairs to her room to give them some privacy, and was not surprised when several minutes later, she heard Alex and Louise climbing the steps to his loft. She wondered how far they'd go. It was a little unusual to go from first kiss to first time in as matter of minutes, and if asked, she wouldn't have recommend it. But she wasn't worried. Alex was a responsible kid, and kept condoms in the drawer of his side table – hope, as it does, springing eternal. And should nature take its full course, the risk of pregnancy would be minimal.

She found her earbuds, cranked up her iPhone's volume and listened to Rush's “All the World's a Stage” double-live album. That would give the kids enough time and privacy to do what they would.

_God, I'm a cool mom,_ she thought.


End file.
